Through darkness

It seems the dark is alive and it´s surrounding me and is strengthening.
But I have overcome I have faced it, the great darkness again and again.
Maybe now it will fill my dinner plate and I wll consume it,
only for it be spewed forth like words on my page.

Alone I had wondered if dogs do infact feel human anguish.
At two oclock in the morning my dog went beserk.
I hold him still as my lapse of disillusion spills into the night.

Deep down must existance be this lonely?
Will my teacher´s smile always be a grand façade?
And as the night wind taunts me I attempt to sit back straight
with a calm face as I write.

It can perturb me, irritate me and keep me from slumber but it will never
stop me writing these words on this page.
The coldness in daily life the bright pretend so frigid.
Disappointment is the thing that everyone must face and with staunch resolve.

Anger and bitterness are not part of me and feel so foreign and ugly
 when they attempt to tag along. However I will fight on until they subside.
If it was ordained for each of us to be given a quantity of suffering confusion
and uncertainty, then we must get through it as soon as possible.
With my soul intact I will go on the offensive.

Peace is rarely felt these days, the possible existance of destiny drives me to ignore peace.
Yet the tranquility and stability of life is so comforting in thought.
I remember the vertigo I got, in trying to improve myself, the comedy of
thinking I would change reality itself, I only guaranteed a hasty reprimand
 from the uninterested world, oblivious of my efforts.

Yes it seems much of the writing i´ve done has borne little fruit.
In the pitch black at two am in the morning the darkness speaks to me of this,
it says I´m just kidding myself. Nevertheless my mind tells me i´ll continue
and I know in my heart I´ll continue writing like a blindman down an uneven cobblestown
street.

We all beg for mercy at one point or another voicing it into the night or screaming it in our minds.
It´s just that often there is no reprieve from the frustration. In the face of errors you will spend
great amounts of time. The obligation of perfection always expected, despite
neverless being impossible to attain.

Vulnerability is not only a laughing matter but probably the most pathetic and obvious
thing in the eyes of those that i myself would want to impress.
Yes don´t go chasing mercy it´s illusive.
Life is a game and life is a joke each joke being told by a band of loudmouths
who have yet to have their weaknesses exposed. Hearing them mock behind backs or to your face by subtle innuendos makes me feel like taking them down a peg.

Praying gives you the short term luxury of temporary relief.
The word future comes back to you and seems so distant and so unrealistic
it falls back onto people with steel spirits to go on.
It´s not faith infact that quite often sustains us, the ugly thing infact is
we quite often continue to give all when there´s is next to no hope leftover.

Is it a fight we have with ourselves?
If it were that simple I would avoid writing on the subject.
There is always outside stimuli that causes ideas to grow and nestle in the mind
becoming slowly part of who you are. Recognising everything´s not going to be okay
and that nobody outside you family cares, even some of your friends would swear they care with
wooden faces happy demagogues! Alas even friendship can be false even to such tough opposition
 from social types, the very people who know deep down how expendable friendship really is.

Coming to the conclusion that the true ideal outlook is that life is often sewn together
 as a net, full of holes and the details including where and when we fall will be the plot
or story.
Put here to be observed, to see how easy or difficult it will be for us to fall through.
It is not a sure thing that we fall though.
 In fact you may withstand the turmoil and still come out on top, the equivalent of making yourself
worthy of living well.

Rewards, heaven, nirvana and paradise I expect it will be lifetimes of heartaches hardships
and handicaps before anykind of recompense awaits.
Have I not had days, weeks or even months of time when everything felt like heaven.
Ofcourse this is the kind of available heaven that is possible on earth.
However it is always with the terrible knowledge that things will fall apart again.
And when they do you and only you will be responsible for putting it all back together again.
Unless you want to sink even further into the current problem your own gateway to the inferno.

Can people have their rewards by being honest, the thing is pain will continue whether
you hide the truth behind it or not.
You can take the blame for something by being honest and feel perhaps less guilty
when the other person blames you and screams in your face. But it will only have
slightly reduced the overall pain.

Can an honest man still boast these days?
is laying out the truth naiive and unnecessary?
People know being honest is ridiculous when it doesn´t work in your favour.
When it´s not in your interest why would you tell the truth?
Yet some of us still are honest. We can hardly help ourselves
and sometimes we suffer twice as much for having opened our mouths
or revealing the truth.
Honesty is it really what the modern world wants?

People are afraid of honesty, it can be terrifying for some.
Being afraid is a daily reality for many. Some are afraid of being honest as much
as they are of dying, the fear of dying being so valid for millions of us die each day in all
possible manners.
If you sport the kind of philosophy that it doesn´t matter what you do you are also
being dishonest, you have crossed into the fools realm.
Yes it matters what happens and taking responsibility is one of the few most
meaningful things we will ever do in our insignificant lives.

If you feel like giving up remember noone cares outside those with a moral obligation
 or real love.
Yes you must continue on like a camel in the huge sweltering desert looking for that
far off oasis. You are so aware that you will only spend mere days there basking and
recuperating before your master life will send you back into the great expanse of the desert
where every element and lack of direction will confuse confound and tire you out.

Bon voyage great pretenders judge me later.